write this down in the diary you abuse

rebeling

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 04:34:58 GMT

does anyone get so fed up with themselves and there lives they practically rebel against themselves or yourself.
everything is so routine.it sucks
school
work
boyfriend
blah blah

i love chris and i love spending time with him.
but its getting harder with his schedule n mine which seem to be exact opposite.
and i hate it but what can i do

today was just one of those days
me n chris just seemed to not get along which upsets me so fucking much! i just want us to get along! and we can and we do. but i really wanted more than anything to have a me n him day. n of course that didn't happen.

we ended up hanging out with his friend mike n nessa. it was okay but i really wanted to leave i was boreeeeddd. and i told hi that i was gonna leave.and even asked if he wanted tocome with. but no, he wanted to stay with them.

so i ended up hangin out with xavier and tristonian. and having a really good time just hanging out n talkin bout whats been goin on.
and i wanted chris there. especially cuz we really wont be seeing much of each other.but oh well i guess. what can i do?

i hate this.
i hate
this
i
hate
this

why can't he just answer his damn phone
sigh

i just wanna feel loved
i wanna feel special
i wanna feel appreciated
i wanna be held in his arms and have him tellhim how much he loves me.
i wanna be taken care of.
i dunno
i'm prob. just being retarded as usual.

i'm gonna go.
blah

i love my baby, with all my heart.

-SammySweet

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 04:54:37 GMT

i feel hurt
i don't feel special
it makes me feel like complete shit
if ur g/f-b/f was outside in 50degree weather for over 30 minutes, alone. would atleast walk out n see if their okay.i mean even call.
i wasn't feeling well
i was getting dizzy. nauseous and felt likie i was gonna puke er pass out. but instead of coming out n seeing if i'm okay.he simply gets mad at me.
i mean i was feeling like shit already. but then it only makes it wose that the person that loves u n wants to marry you doesn't even come outside to heck on you, even after 10-15 minutes! but over 30 min.s! that just made me feel allt he more worse. then he got mad at me cuz i was leaving.i mean he didn't do anything to make me wanna stay there or feel wanted.
so pretty much he made me feel like shit then got mad at me so now i feel even more like shit cuz i didn't feel good n left.
i dunno.i even pukes when i got home. oiy
tom.'s 9 months.
i just wish he would treat me as if i was special again.i mean sometimes.i dunno.
and if i say this he'll get mad cuz i hurt him by saying it.
sigh.

i just wanna feel spcial n taken care of.

-Sammy Sweet!

my baby sang this song to me...a few times, but one i remember very clearly..and its special!

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 02:30:50 GMT

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS

"Stickwitu"

I don't wanna go another day,
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
Seems like everybody's breaking up
Throwing their love away,
But I know I got a good thing right here
That's why I say (Hey)

Nobody gonna love me better
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher
I must stick with you.
You know how to appreciate me
I must stick with you, my baby.
Nobody ever made me feel this way
I must stick with you.

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.
See the way we ride in our private lives,
Ain't nobody getting in between.
I want you to know that you're the only one for me (one for me)
And I say

And now
Ain't nothing else I can need (nothing else I can need)
And now
I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me.
I got you,
We'll be making love endlessly.
I'm with you (baby, I'm with you)
Baby, you're with me (Baby, you're with me)

So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's all that counts.
So don't you worry about
People hanging around,
They ain't bringing us down.
I know you and you know me
And that's why I say

and of course our song!

dj sammy "heaven"

gosh i love thinking about how that came to be, that was so great! hehe

we really are amazing!

i love you baby!

yours forever

-Sammy Sweet!

my life is amazing!

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 02:17:43 GMT

so...

log cabin is the shit!
unless your bst friend shows up and then makes you tripp over a freakin tool box n then you have your boyfriend n rob laughing their fucking asses of at me...
...okay, so it was hilarious, lol....i love myself!

and i love my baby! hehe...we're so amazing! lol
7 months comin up! yay!

i love grease

so ya, i was recently depressed and i realized why while running form my house barefoot! around my neighborhood. i love running barefoot, its like your baring(-sp) your sole to society and saying i'm not conforming to your having to wear shoes ways!...lol...
its just more real to me. anyways...i realized why i had been so depressed

it was becasue i stopped appreciating the little things in life. i was only looking at the big pic. for too long and freaking myself out and getting overwhelmed with anxiety! it was crazy...
so on my way home from my amazing run i realized 2 things:
1) i still have muscles(who are hating me right now!)
2)i'm a person who loves the smaller picture.
and that i need to start doing that
one day at a time.
and i did.
i said"tomorrow is gonna be great! and i can't wait!" and giggled my way home.
and then it was. and today was too, even though chris kept saying today was gonna be terrible. and i proved him wrong!
see! you just have to believe in things! and it'll happen/come true!
and i just feel so much happier.
i blame it all on my baby!
for making me realize that i lost more than just a little bit of myself.
i lost the twinkle in my eye
i lost the most precious thing to me and almost the next precious thing.
i almopst lost myself and then i almost lost my love! my baby!
and those two put together would have killed me.
but thank goodness it doesn't take long to get myself back! hehe
and boy am i glad for that!

so just thought i'd tell everyone
i've found myself

the realllll sammys in the building! tehehe(snort)hehe

gosh i love myself
and my baby!my love! my angel from above!chris!
i love you baby!
muahs!

-Sammy Sweet!

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 06:48:44 GMT

i fucking hate her
i fucking hate her
i fucking hate her i fucking hate her i fuckinghateherifuckinghate herifuckinghate heri fuckinghatgeherifuckinghagteherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinhhateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateherifuckinghateifuckinghateherifuckinghateher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i hate my MOTHER!
LET ME FUCKING GROW UP YOU PSYCHO FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 18:20:16 GMT

i cryed, i hate that i did

i can't explain why i do anymore

i just get this tingle er burst in my heart and it flows up to my throat and then comes pouring out my eyes.

i'm so happy with him. i love him

its our 4 month anniversary today.

and he took something.

and i got a lil pissed, but i understand. and its okay.

maybe its cuz of my mom. shes been such a BITCH lately!

plus working so much lately is tiring cuz i have no time for anything else. and its depressing, i miss my baby when i'm at work.

sigh...

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 22:32:42 GMT

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hey i was always told my porn star name was : Sammy Sweet!

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 12:19:30 GMT

i hate school!
time to bitch!
ojt is bullshit!
i need a fucking day off...
i don't wanna dealw ith lachotta
blah!!!!!!!!!
i need to have an orgasm!

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 04:48:08 GMT

its that feeling again
like i'm never gonna see him again
but its a diff. guy and a complete dif. situation
and the feeling that i'll never see him again will go away cuz i'm just an overeacting teenager
but i need my baby here! and i know i'm bein stupid cuz its his family. i just hate missing him
i feel so lonely and i can't sleep. its such a depressing thing that is.
but its all okay
cuz i love my baby
and he loves me!
and i'll HOPEFULLY see him sunday night...
SIGHHHHH.biggest sigh u can imagine!

ps.- i got my paintball gun(marker)today!

impulse "rat"

and its cool lookin cuz its got "freak" barrell on it, lol...
i love it,and i got it, my mask, my hopper, my barrell codom n whatever else for $210

anyways, have to work at the LOL tanning salon so ppl come visit me! its gonna be a long lonely day!
sigh....

i miss him so much already, i'm never gonna get to sleep...sigh...

i love my baby!

-Sammy Sweet!

pictures!

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 16:23:24 GMT

my most fav. pic. EVER! me n my baby! muahsssss! i love him!

see the pretty roses he got me!

my hair...took like forever!but looked absolutly fabulous!

me n my baby! tehehe...we looked fabulous! we matched!

mason n candi n my baby! at starbucks!

they're so goofy!

hehe! love it!

what beautiful girls!

mwuahs!

hehe! love him!hes so amazing! muahs!

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 01:46:51 GMT

k i'm not depressed anymore

life is once again fabulous!

my baby is the best, i love my baby, i've never stopped atually! duh! how could i ! lol...

life is great great great great GREAT!

tehehe

muahs!

-Sammy Sweet!

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 22:22:33 GMT

k, so i think i know why i'm depressed, i just can not come to terms with it.
even thinkin about what it is thats making me so depressed is making me cry right now
i can't do this anymore, i can't take it anymore
but i want to, and i'll continue to put my slef through the pain.
i'm just more fucked up than i thought
i don't know what to do
someone pull me up so i can breath if only for a second.
i need to breath.
and then i think...

should i just continue to suffocate and see what the end result is?...

honestly that last one sound squite good.
this black whole is staying.it won't budge.

-bitter Sweet

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 03:07:51 GMT

if anyone reads this shit..comment cuz i wanna know! lol

muahs!
thank you!

-Sammy Sweet!

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 03:06:35 GMT

k so...paintball was fun

watching chris n mason play...
haha...me n this guy daniel (he was helpin me video tape) were watchin chris n mason n their other friend brandon and i was lookin at chris and alll of a sudden i watch him fuckin dartttt across like half the field and slid, get a pod thingy and then dart back across and slid again(which is when he hurt his knee real bad)but it was pimp as hell
daniel was like "hes got balls!"HAH!~///thats my baby!

anyways it was kinda borin at times...but i can entertain myself...
me n candi hung out n talked about stuff...

then after paintball me n chris went back to his house , he got all clean cuz he was civered in dirt!(oooh la la!) and then watched tv/movies and still somewhat had a lazy day and got to snuggle and be all perfect together! lol...

hes so amazing
we're so amazing

last night was amazing, today was quite fun!

i love my baby...and i loved my..er..our lazy sundays, but i'll learn to love lazy saturdays! LOL

I'M OUTTTTTT
TALKIN TO MY BABY

MUAHS!

-Sammy Sweet!

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 14:56:34 GMT

no, never mind bout lazy day, hes goin painballing

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 14:54:27 GMT

k...my baby is the best

i actually started to get realllly excited bout homecoming yesterday.

my day:
woke up at 8:30
tanned(my baby brought me starbucks! hehe)
hair apt.(12:30-3)
freak out
nails(pedicure, nails painted)
home to get dressed(finally at like 4!)
chris got to my house
took pic.'s
went to his house, took pic.'s, got me prettty prettty flowers!!!!!!!
his mom ruined surprise of us goin to dinner, lol...
he took me to maccaroni grill!
went to the pavilion
i had a lot of fun
love my baby

he made the night perfect and looked so fucking hotttttt...but then again to me he always does!

miss my baby...wonder if we're havin our lazy day today...?...hmm...

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 12:33:07 GMT

i'm still not excited
i'm pissed off bacause i'm not excited
i figured once i woke up this morning things would change and i would be happy again....NO!
not the fucking case
i feel even shittier!
my eyes are swollen from crying
we got off the phone last night and i just started bawling! don't ask me why cuz i don't know
i dunno...for some reason i just feel so alone...empty...blah
i fucking hate this shit
whats happened to me

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 04:52:48 GMT

...i think i'm depressed...

nothings makin me happy lately...

i'm not even a tiny bit excited about homecoming tomorrow...

i've been crying none stop practically for a week...(when noones around)

i've been realllllly wanting to do some stupid stuff, to make myself feel better...but i don't

maybe i...

i dunno...

bye

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 23:57:57 GMT

hmm...

got my hair done today...

i was so excited! cuz i loved it...
then chris saw it and didn't like it...kinda ruined it, but whats new...lol...
oh well, he really doesn't seem to like much about my appearance...haha...somewhat kidding...i think, lol

um...i miss my mini...its in the hospital...and i'm depressed...i miss my mini!

IADT kady called me and me n mom are gonna go visit the school tuesday at 1 to talk to her.so that shall be really fun!

i miss my baby! i wanna go over to his house, jump in his bed, crawl under the comforter and snuggle up with my baby as we watch some movie or show.eventually fall asleep. wake up with him kissing me or sayin somethin sweet...or possibly throwing a pillow at me! lol...but i still love it. i love to wake up next to him.i love to be with him. er hug him, kiss him, laugh with him, oiy...anyone thats reading this must be getting sick.lol...

anyways...watchin sex n the city.waiting for everwood to come on. wanna talk to chris but i'll wait till later.
i need a cigg.
oiy

hmm...tomorrows friday! omg!
yay friday! thatnk freakin goshness!
n then its homecoming! i can't wait, i'm sooooooo excited...except for the whole dancing thing, lol...oiy vey, i'm gonna feel stupid either way. lol...

k, i'm goin, talkin to TUT TUT~ HAH!

muahs!

-Sammy Sweet!

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 03:20:07 GMT

i fucking swear!!!!!!!!!!!!

and people wonder why i .... .. ...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't take the bullshit

i can't

i can't

i can't

i can't

but of course i fucking will!

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 02:14:16 GMT

i've kept silent

i've tryed to hold it in

i put on the smile even when in incredible pain...

then i realized i am only hurting myself

so i spoke out

and only casue myslef more pain...

now we're not talking

but i don't regret speaking

if you can't take my words and my feelings

i'm sorry for the pain i cause

i'll leave you alone now...

To: the love of my life...

6 simple words....

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 04:06:31 GMT

(this is the rose he surprised me with when i was ucky sick!...last week it was out 3 month anniv. and he kept telling me to go to my room and wouldn't give me a kiss until i did and he had 2 roses(one red one pink) and a wonderful card waiting for me when i entered the room. hehe. and then i was leavin the room to go get him and he was there and it was perfect! as always! hehe...and today he gave me a cd and told me to losten to it. he got every coheed cd, even their lp from when they were a garage band and the new one....hes so wonderful to me...we're so perfect in such an uncommon way...if u get what i mean...lol...i love it, i love him!)

HAVE

THE

GREATEST

BOYFRIEND

EVER!

I LOVE YOU, BABY!(CHRIS)

MUAHS!

-Sammy Sweet!

all-natural....just for you baby!

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 04:29:49 GMT

hmm,....kay so a day i thought would be one way turned out to be complelty different and so much fucking better!@ lol

work 9-6

got off called chris said he's call me back(never did)!

called ash, went over to her house...talked...decided i'd go with her n her sister to see a movie at the mall...n then go to this guys party afterwards..

movie was great, me n ash always have fun, lol....

ended up goin to get her chris, mine decided to be a douche and not tell me what the fuck he was doing at all tonight, (boy am i glad i didn't go home n sit around waiting for him to call! hah! right!)
picked up jeff n brett, went to starbucks...talked inside for a while.chris spills his coffee on ash, who then flips it over to my side so then i get it, lol....it was crazy!

then some old peeps from CPCS come up to starbucks, some of them were doin whipp cream things. lol...it was funny as shit!
had fun talkin bout who knows what....realized what time it was and was then late for curfew, lol...

haha, oh well...not to late.

so much for a lazy day tom. with chris, thats obviously not happening. hed rather ....blah i'm gunno shut up now, lol....

its not that hes hanging out with dan n what not that pisses me off its that hes so fucking shady about it when he does. like he can't talk to me for 1 min. or anything.but whatever...if i'm off doin somethin tom. when he decides to get around to calling me if he does of well....i'm not waiting around for him to get bored enough to wanna see me....god i know i'm gonna pay for this if he reads it. lol

yes, chris.i'm pissed at YOU.you need to do things a lil dif. sometimes.

anyways, i do love you baby, just wish u weren't such an ass about everything tonight.
hope ur havin fun with danny boy.
call me when u ...get a chance...(even though u won't read this till like a week later or so, whatever, lol...i need to get it out@)haha

i love ME!
muahs!

-Sammy Sweet!

now whos cute byatch!

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 00:16:34 GMT

today was absolutly perfect!

i woke up in a good mood...
saw my baby at starbucks ran n gave him a kiss n a hug...

i was amazingly happy n me n chris were amazingly cute!...hehe...

alicia was even in a greta mood today! lol

went n saw wayne, got lost like 3 times! chris said he needed to talk to me, then called back n said we REAALLLLLLY need to talk now, scared the shit outta me! lol

anyways got home, told mom n chris bout my new amazingly cool job!

was tryin to get a kiss from him n he wouldn't and he kept tellin me to go to my sitting room! so i finally did, i turned on my light n he had 2 roses(one red, one pink) and a beautifully written card waiting for me! lol...i wnet to go gte him n he was allready there and ya, it was so freakin perfect n sweet n what not! i loved it! i love him!

i got his card early this mornin...n i gave it to him before he left...so he thought i forgot, lol.! nn i didn't , lol...

hmm...i love my baby! we are amazing together!

muahs!

-Sammy Sweet

my neck is killing me from therapy though...and now i have to go get an MRI cuz they think somethin else might be wrong...oiy i don't care just get me out of this pain, it hurts so bad most of the time i just wanna cry or actually have to fight back tears! oiy vey

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 03:48:31 GMT

i feel like shit

my moral is low

i just wanna go cry

god, i hate fucking crying

i hate feeling like shit.

w/e

-sammy